Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
