we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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