How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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