how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
a search helicopter?!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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