my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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