just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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