I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
