Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
you would pick up someone in the library
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Randomize
