a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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