nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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