Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
its liver damage thursday
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