I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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