I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
even my farts smell like vagina
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
