Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
