What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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