I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
