remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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