3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you win again, gameday.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
