you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So much rum. So many feels.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
