The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
