Swine flu. Run for my life!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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