apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Randomize
