Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
