his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
