The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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