So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
