Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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