I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
