I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
