You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
