I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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