I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
