We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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