she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
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