I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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