My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
