We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I got inside last night via doggy door
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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