i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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