I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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