The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
