you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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