I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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