Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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