Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
