You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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