It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
