So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
