Where is the hickey?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
