Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
