You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
