I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
